


Indefinitely

by SolSermisiere



Category: Hyouka
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolSermisiere/pseuds/SolSermisiere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Satoshi wants something more. Something more than the role of a catalyst making Chitanda and Houtarou react.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indefinitely

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if it bothers any fans of Hyouka, but while I will accept and acknowledge any displeasure with the pairing, I certainly won't be bothered enough to drop it. Sorry. For others who will have no issue, I hope you are going to find this little thing enjoyable, though it's short. Maybe it will grow into something more one day. There is that possibility, I suppose...

Sometimes Satoshi wants something more. Something more than the role of a catalyst making Chitanda and Houtarou react. Yet, Houtarou needs some serious shaking to wake him up from his stupor and Chitanda Eru, being the curiosity incarnate, seemingly holds the power to make not only Houtarou's mind work, but also his ass moving—even if his best friend tries to deny her having such influence on him. Satoshi isn't blind nor stupid—he feels he is to play the man behind the scenes, no matter how different his inner wish is from the reality he has found himself in. And so, usually, he bites his tongue and scribbles down information in his little notebook—Satoshi the database, right?

Still, there are days it is not enough.

Satoshi isn't a steady rock; though, he often thinks that it would have made things easier. For him at least.

He is far from steady, however.  Especially lately.

He feels anxiety.

Fret starts nibbling at his toes, only to travel slowly along his restless calves and thighs—ready to send him running _somewhere_ —to his unsettled stomach and further to flutter in his chest and tickle his contracted throat, to finally settle in his head and send his mind reeling.

And suddenly, it is hard to play his 'ever happy' self in front of his friends, or anyone else for that matter.

He had spoken about Houtarou's potential and tried to reassure him, because he hates looking at the apathetic side of his friend. He knows it isn't exactly satisfaction that Houtarou feels when the world leaves him to his energy preservation. No. Satoshi realised that both of them, Houtarou and him, are craving acknowledgement and maybe even finding a goal to pursue and fulfil. Yet, there is a certain difference between them.

Houtarou, while playing unmoved by flattery and appreciation of his talents on the front, is definitely elevated in spirits and has a bust of confidence _and_ energy he seemingly lacks.

Satoshi? Oh, he wants acknowledgement as well. But it isn't simply _any_ acknowledgement that he counts for. He needs to use his true abilities and show Houtarou and, more so, _himself_ that he is able to solve a mystery by himself. That he can manage reaching a conclusion on his own. That he can be his _own_ man.

Otherwise, how is he to keep his cool any longer? Being Houtarou's shadow pushes him only more into his friends direction. And he cannot depend on Houtarou—not to the point it could lead to if he continues to doubt himself—or he is going to completely lose his footing.

He stopped lying to himself about Houtarou some time ago, but it doesn't mean he is going to outright confess. Actually, he has no such intention. It could mess everything up. It could drift him and Houtarou apart and for what? The satisfaction of confessing, or rather not thinking 'what if' in the future? With the outcome obvious, there is no real satisfaction for him to gain... So he will stay shut for everyone's good.

 _Maybe more for Houtarou's good?—_ a fleeting thought crosses his mind.

It doesn't matter that much...

There was a period of time, about six or eight months ago, during which he had asked himself what was wrong with him. Where and when had he gone wrong. How was it possible that from all the people who have gathered around him or that he has chosen to be around with, Houtarou has to be the one that has caught his attention the most.

Like a moth summoned by light—Satoshi attached himself to Houtarou. It stings and it burns, but the danger is not enough to drive him away. Like an addiction—simultaneously inducing pain and pleasure.

And to think he had never considered himself a masochist...

Shouldn't it be easier?—his first love? A puppy love that ends as quick as it comes and leaves one with the remembrance of more sweetness than bitterness? Silly and fleeting, but strangely fulfilling, even if unrequited—the fact of it having happened enough to put a nostalgic smile on one's face.

Satoshi is far from believing his first love has anything in common with it...

He isn't depressed because of it. Yet. But it certainly makes him uncomfortable.

Of course he has his bravado and natural enthusiasm to cover things up; however, the core of the problem is nowhere near being solved. His feelings are still there, as well as Houtarou _and_ Chitanda to boot.

He is Houtarou's friend, though. What else can he do than to help him in finally spreading his wings to fly freely and enjoy the touch of the wind on his face? Who is he to try standing on the way to happiness that has started unfolding before Houtarou, while he is still to see it, taste it?

Satoshi wants to be selfish. He really wishes to stand right before Houtarou and say what has been a weight at his heart for so long—just to be able to breathe with more ease and settle with the rejection he is sure to hear.

Satoshi is almost certain that Houtarou already knows about his feelings for him. His friend is sharp and perceptive, plus Satoshi has had little mind to put his all into deceiving Houtarou.

Again, yes, Satoshi does not intend to confess, but it isn't synonymous with completely concealing his affections. It has been hardly possible from the start—taking his personality into account. And while he isn't obvious and impudent in his actions towards Houtarou, when one knows where to seek for the little signs of Satoshi's sentiments, they can be found after spending some time on observing him around his friend and the way he speaks to him, how he treats him.

Those are always small things, yet Satoshi can bet Houtarou is in no need of a verbal declaration. And with his character, he isn't one either to mind Satoshi's feelings nor try starting a conversation about them. Without Satoshi actually pursuing Houtarou or bringing the topic up, this love that Satoshi holds for his friend is to be left in abeyance.

Sometimes, it leaves Satoshi with a sour taste in his mouth and a feeling of helplessness.

On those days Satoshi doesn't know what is right or wrong.

On those days Satoshi wants to shut Chitanda's mouth before she has the chance to speak that she's curious.

On those days Satoshi wants to either shake Houtarou by his shoulders just to show him his frustration that he normally holds in check, or to kiss him right there and there, with all the feelings bottled inside him, only to curl into a ball and wallow in sorrow for it being the only time he would kiss him.

On those days Satoshi feels that he's not enough of a _man_ and too much of a friend.

On those days Satoshi feels lonely in the company of _his_ friends.

On those days Satoshi can't decide between shouting or crying.

On those days Satoshi does none of the things he really wants, though, because he's _Satoshi_ and Houtarou is his friend and there is place for nothing else.

On those days Satoshi curses himself for being exactly that... _Himself_.

 


End file.
